Where can I go to escape the hell inside A place I can find to keep out all the doubt My paradise where dreams have not died And happiness is no longer in drought Is such a place I need even real Will I ever find it through all this fog It is still missing on even keel With every aching step a slog I will chase every glimmer of light Go through every struggle and pain Climb up to any inhospitable height Even through all the blistering strain If I can just take one step into paradise That place I see any time I can dream If fate decides that I just do not suffice And not even give me just a gleam Then I will just have to burn it all down Incinerate all of this trash I’ll make this world drown Choking to death on ash If I cannot have it If they try to keep it from me I still will not submit I will just make my own from the debris.
A titanic spirit within A broken smile without My dry, cracked skin Caused by loves drought I wait for the yelling to begin The crash of the hateful shout Like a fist smashing my chin Stabbing my heart with doubt Try to keep up my masked grin Won’t let the tears break out Try to ignore the angry din I will not let myself rout Even as I feel my head spin And my heart starts to give out I’ll take it all so you think you win Cause still for you I am devout.
I’m tired of all this pain
I’m tired of day to day
I’m tired of this broken brain
I’m tired of trying to downplay
I don’t feel like I’m sane
How else can I convey
I try to feel and I strain
My mind is affray
When I try to explain
They just quietly walk away
My true self I must contain
Who I am I cannot display
This coldness inside is my bane
It always leads me astray
Keeps me walking alone in the rain
Where only I can see the pathway
I look out to the sides in vain
Not a single person in the doorway
And if I try to step off this lane
I find I cannot stop or disobey
This darkness is like a chain
So heav
Turning Tides on Quiet Nights by Vajavoda, literature
Literature
Turning Tides on Quiet Nights
Another lonely night
To be followed by a silent dream
Another time to write
If only to hold in the scream
Silent in my plight
From which no one can gleam
Just how much blight
Follows even in my daydream
Surrounded by light
But I cannot redeem
Sins so horrid and trite
Follow like a stream
No matter how polite
No matter my esteem
It is like a birthright
Some never-ending scheme
My desiccated heart is contrite
My apologies are not what they seem
I have not been entirely forthright
Because madness will always be my regime.
This depression is like my shadow
Always whispering to me with lies
With time I watch it grow
My sanity is its prize
No matter where I try to go
Behind me it always spies
Like a tormenting crow
Laughing from the skies
Every wishful thought I throw
Goes up and simply dies
Then down it will flow
Like tears from my eyes
That run down below
And become my demise
In this cold they become snow
Slow me down and make me despise
Everything that I have come to know
From the lowest lows to the highest highs
To the point you just want to let go
And promise this will be the last sunrise.
How can I give you my trust
When I can so easily see your whispers
Your sweet words to him fill me with disgust
Your caring for each other breaks and withers
You try and say there is nothing
That I truly have nothing to worry about
But when he calls you go running
And that my dear is why I doubt
Your love for me may be true
But I sense that your love of him is greater
All I wanted was to say I do
To my most beautiful manipulator
Maybe I should go back
To the way things were before
Let myself again crack
And forget I felt anything anymore.
The pain in these words unsaid
The terror in these thoughts unending
It just continues to spread like a web
In the face of all the pretending
So easily excused with one simple word
Sweet nothings hidden behind your just a friend
How strange friend and lover have blurred
And I am the one who is the stranger in the end
Yet still these words will remain unspoken
Just as I will remain seated quiet and alone
My voice just as my heart too broken
I will end up being my own tombstone
I can feel the pain in my hand
As I thirst for a little smoke
My only way to reprimand
Though I think it might be broke
But I’d rather feel the hurt
If the only other option is you
Just let me fall in the dirt
Fall out of your view
I can’t stand who I am
Not a man but a DEVIL
I don’t know when it began
At your tears or your treble
Just walk away from this Hell
Just let me sit and burn
It’s not a sad farewell
But a lesson all learn
There is nothing good inside of me
Nothing to try and redeem
Don’t just leave you must flee
Or again I’ll make you scream.
I lost my paradise tonight
When I heard the hushed whisper
It came down like a bite
From a lover now drifter
I don’t know what is right
Should I forgive and forget
Anger so hot it might ignite
If it wasn’t for the tears that kept it wet
So many rain clouds I can’t see daylight
I’ve lost my light at the end of the tunnel
The demons are coming to try and incite
And pull apart my humanity to rubble
The devil in me can’t take another slight
He demands a scar for every lie
An overwhelming kind of blight
Only thing I can do is say goodbye
I don’t want to go through another fight
I don’t want to give you
All I see is blue
Behind all these tears
Making my vision askew
Every drop for all my fears
I really do try
Even though all I do is fail
Makes me ask why
I even would want to exhale
Every breath is a struggle
A fight that I always thought I'd win
But now I can barely mumble
Head so heavy I just can't raise my chin
You were my anchor
Holding my soul here to remind
I don't have to feel only anger
That I'm not always left behind
But your words only tighten
Venom dripping lips a noose
You slowly destroy this titan
Even though I love my Zeus.
Where can I go to escape the hell inside A place I can find to keep out all the doubt My paradise where dreams have not died And happiness is no longer in drought Is such a place I need even real Will I ever find it through all this fog It is still missing on even keel With every aching step a slog I will chase every glimmer of light Go through every struggle and pain Climb up to any inhospitable height Even through all the blistering strain If I can just take one step into paradise That place I see any time I can dream If fate decides that I just do not suffice And not even give me just a gleam Then I will just have to burn it all down Incinerate all of this trash I’ll make this world drown Choking to death on ash If I cannot have it If they try to keep it from me I still will not submit I will just make my own from the debris.
A titanic spirit within A broken smile without My dry, cracked skin Caused by loves drought I wait for the yelling to begin The crash of the hateful shout Like a fist smashing my chin Stabbing my heart with doubt Try to keep up my masked grin Won’t let the tears break out Try to ignore the angry din I will not let myself rout Even as I feel my head spin And my heart starts to give out I’ll take it all so you think you win Cause still for you I am devout.
I’m tired of all this pain
I’m tired of day to day
I’m tired of this broken brain
I’m tired of trying to downplay
I don’t feel like I’m sane
How else can I convey
I try to feel and I strain
My mind is affray
When I try to explain
They just quietly walk away
My true self I must contain
Who I am I cannot display
This coldness inside is my bane
It always leads me astray
Keeps me walking alone in the rain
Where only I can see the pathway
I look out to the sides in vain
Not a single person in the doorway
And if I try to step off this lane
I find I cannot stop or disobey
This darkness is like a chain
So heav
Turning Tides on Quiet Nights by Vajavoda, literature
Literature
Turning Tides on Quiet Nights
Another lonely night
To be followed by a silent dream
Another time to write
If only to hold in the scream
Silent in my plight
From which no one can gleam
Just how much blight
Follows even in my daydream
Surrounded by light
But I cannot redeem
Sins so horrid and trite
Follow like a stream
No matter how polite
No matter my esteem
It is like a birthright
Some never-ending scheme
My desiccated heart is contrite
My apologies are not what they seem
I have not been entirely forthright
Because madness will always be my regime.
This depression is like my shadow
Always whispering to me with lies
With time I watch it grow
My sanity is its prize
No matter where I try to go
Behind me it always spies
Like a tormenting crow
Laughing from the skies
Every wishful thought I throw
Goes up and simply dies
Then down it will flow
Like tears from my eyes
That run down below
And become my demise
In this cold they become snow
Slow me down and make me despise
Everything that I have come to know
From the lowest lows to the highest highs
To the point you just want to let go
And promise this will be the last sunrise.
How can I give you my trust
When I can so easily see your whispers
Your sweet words to him fill me with disgust
Your caring for each other breaks and withers
You try and say there is nothing
That I truly have nothing to worry about
But when he calls you go running
And that my dear is why I doubt
Your love for me may be true
But I sense that your love of him is greater
All I wanted was to say I do
To my most beautiful manipulator
Maybe I should go back
To the way things were before
Let myself again crack
And forget I felt anything anymore.
The pain in these words unsaid
The terror in these thoughts unending
It just continues to spread like a web
In the face of all the pretending
So easily excused with one simple word
Sweet nothings hidden behind your just a friend
How strange friend and lover have blurred
And I am the one who is the stranger in the end
Yet still these words will remain unspoken
Just as I will remain seated quiet and alone
My voice just as my heart too broken
I will end up being my own tombstone
I can feel the pain in my hand
As I thirst for a little smoke
My only way to reprimand
Though I think it might be broke
But I’d rather feel the hurt
If the only other option is you
Just let me fall in the dirt
Fall out of your view
I can’t stand who I am
Not a man but a DEVIL
I don’t know when it began
At your tears or your treble
Just walk away from this Hell
Just let me sit and burn
It’s not a sad farewell
But a lesson all learn
There is nothing good inside of me
Nothing to try and redeem
Don’t just leave you must flee
Or again I’ll make you scream.
I lost my paradise tonight
When I heard the hushed whisper
It came down like a bite
From a lover now drifter
I don’t know what is right
Should I forgive and forget
Anger so hot it might ignite
If it wasn’t for the tears that kept it wet
So many rain clouds I can’t see daylight
I’ve lost my light at the end of the tunnel
The demons are coming to try and incite
And pull apart my humanity to rubble
The devil in me can’t take another slight
He demands a scar for every lie
An overwhelming kind of blight
Only thing I can do is say goodbye
I don’t want to go through another fight
I don’t want to give you
All I see is blue
Behind all these tears
Making my vision askew
Every drop for all my fears
I really do try
Even though all I do is fail
Makes me ask why
I even would want to exhale
Every breath is a struggle
A fight that I always thought I'd win
But now I can barely mumble
Head so heavy I just can't raise my chin
You were my anchor
Holding my soul here to remind
I don't have to feel only anger
That I'm not always left behind
But your words only tighten
Venom dripping lips a noose
You slowly destroy this titan
Even though I love my Zeus.
A dimly lit room is all that holds me
The quiet sound of nocturnes call within
A somber melody that lets me see
Even through tears falling from my chin
They fall from the memories
The ones that swirl within this mind
Like ever mindful miseries
That wish to pinch and cut and grind
My forlorn and unreachable regrets
That I've no hope to remedy
But only satisfy with cigarettes
Even with so much brevity
Yet I continue on day by day
In my hypocritical belief
That the sky won't always be gray
Corrupted by my grief.
Lots of new things have happened in this life of mine and yet it seems that no matter how hard I try I can't seem to get to a point I really wish to be in. But I will continue to try, continue to survive and hopefully... thrive.